DO i have to?

Its funny to think about it....

Days and weks pass by, funny stuff devellops everywhere and i am forgetting to capture it. God knows i can use a laugh, and hopefully everyone else that reads this could use one too.

So whats funny thats happened....

I work in a call centre who recieves calls from our neighbours from teh south. Being Canadian, thas quite an adjustment. We are expected to sell. Now if you are Canadian, know a Canadian or want to be a Canadian you need to know a few things about us.
1. We are a very passive-agressive society. We are passive all the time except when there's hockey on, then we want blood.
2. We are far too laid back. Case in point...our agents ask if our customers want to buy something, they say no. We say *shrug* all good.
3. We like sarcasm, and find humour in our neighbours to the south.
4. Poutine is a foodgroup unto its own.

So i am taking an escalation (when a customer wants to talk to a supervisor). So i HAPPILY jump on the line, once the agent has found me under my desk, sucking my thumb and in the fetal position, and i get this customer who starts YELLING at me for calling him during supper. So i let him spew and try my darndest to jump in and correct his mis-interpretation. So he finally runs out of air and I casually let him know, that we are an INBOUND centre, so he called us. I then ask him what hes having for supper. He replies, then why did his phone ring? I reply with "Maybe my voices are calling your voices?".

So i am walking down the aisle in the cublicle farm, minding my own business, doing some crop dusting (more to come about what that means in a bit) and i get an agent thats FRANTICALLY waving her hand. She tells me she has a sleeping customer on the phone and what is she suppoed to do. I think the forst words out of my mouth were "you are full of shit" closely followed by, i GOT TO HEAR THIS. So i get on the phone and sure enough at 7:30AM theres a guy snoring away. So i take off the headset and think for a minute. Yell at him. Just as she starts sucking wind down, i stop her. Boost your mike volume THEN yell at him :) So we crank up the dial, and she yells SIR. Needless to say he woke up. It was great. I remind her of it everyday. First agent to put a customr to sleep on the phone, there has to be an award in there.

Man....the escalations are limitless as i take at least 4 daily now :( But the humour is deffinitely there, its just a matter of finding the time with wedding plans, losing my mind, constantly backpeddaling myself out of self created messes. I will promise to write a new blog at least once every 2 weeks from now on.

****
CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles

CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Whoa...slow down

Frequently i lose my mind.

Before anyone thinkns of me as a drooling (rofl) idiot, let me explain how this happens.........I suffer from an affliction i call "fat figers".-Now don't get teh wrong idea, i am not fat and have sausages attached to a ham for hands. Fat fingers is what happens when you think faster than you can type. Your hands are in a constant race with your brain to get everything out that you're thinking before you forget it.

Its funny really when you think about it...I only really started typing 6 years ago, so my speed and digital dexterityl on a keyboard....umm....is horrible. So with that in mind....Just when you are able to keep up, its like your brian comes back from a day dream and thinks to itself (thats disturbing)"Whoa whats going on here"and kicks the thoughts up a notch, and you lose your sanity. Your hands are lost, you're lost and you've lost your mind. Once you do get to the point of where your fingers do go fast enough, its like my brian goes..."really" and kicks it into another gear. Then my fingers get lost, i get lost and my brain is sitting in the drivers seat looking back and yelling "keep up with this fuckers". Then after a time things seem to slow down. My brain jumps into teh back seat and says, hey nice road...who's drivin. Personally i root for the hands, i always like the underdog, but the brain always wins -dam my brain.

Unfortunately, this isn't confined to the keyboard. I am in a constant delusional state at work. Easily excitable, and i have a captive audience. Here's a recipe for disaster....
1 Tired supervisor
add in a couple cups of coffee
throw in some suger
mix in a social situation-or a public place
presto, instant HR issue.

Another realization.....With fat fingers, you also have to become fluent at gibberish. So technically i am trilingual....i wonder if i can add that to my resume somehow. Anyone that has ever had a MSN conversation with me can attest to this to this skill. So here you are, typing as fast as you can, fingers are flying and your brain is yelling like a maniac. Fingers sound suspiciouly like Scotty from Star Trek (I canna take it cap'n, she's gonna blow), then you S L O W L Y come back and realize the person you are talking to is no longer typing and you look at your screen and wonder wtf IS that, and who typed this nonsensical shit. Then it hits, its you. So you slowly read up, take out your decoder ring and try to make sense of it all.
I think i need a hug...or a cookie...

Bond, James Bond

A couple of weeks ago, i had the priviledge of going for a tux "fitting". Why they call it a fitting is beyond me. Let me set the stage for you.....

I am getting married in June to my lovely fiancee (#1 target). Those of you that know me, and there are only 2 of you, so you DO...know that i am slightly...freaked out..or was (got to cover the bases in case she reads this;) So i need to go get a Tux, its a special occasion, so i want to look special right?

So i call ahead to book an appointment. Apparently none is needed. OK......So i go in with one of my good friends who is my usher. (It was funnier in the meeting by saying it was my best man...but i will get to that later). So because its a special occasion, and we haven't seen each other for a while, he has made it a point to create a SURREAL experience for us, and Mr. Green makes an appearance. Because its been a while for both of us, and hes showing off his new car, we're zipping around South Ottawa in his new Impala. (which is so cool btw). So we go looking at houses, where he's going to be moving etc and then we go to a spot where they have the exact same model house that he has. Its increadible...So, we've wasted enough time, and the THC has kicked in. We go to Tip Top for a "fitting". Now my friend is married and his wedding he got maried in a suit. So we are both new at this tux thing.

Our eyes are a glowing as we go into the store and i approach the counter and tell the guy that i called yesterday to book an appointment for a fitting. "Un huh, ok"...."So where are the tuxes?" He points to a rack with maybe 10 jackets on them as says over there. So we walk over, giggling because this is hilarious to us, and because i am embarased as hell. I'm supposed to know what i am doing right? Well i don't have the foggiest clue...

So we are over there, feeling the jackets saying to ourselves..this is nice, All the while i am looking for the magic closet where all the tuxes are kept so i can get "fitted". The doors the have there are either fillied with shirts (nice, but not what i am looking for) or just decorations, and are fake panelling. Which completely threw me off since they had hinges , and i am trying to open them. By this time i am getting a little, no a LOT embarassed. As someone that has dealt with the public quite a bit, i am waiting(praying) that the guy wil come over and save me. But he's a sadistic fucker, and leaves me twisting, while i am tring to open a wood panel that won't open. With me so far?

So, i sheepishly walk over to the counter and ask where the rest of them are. He says the rest of what. You know the pants, vests, cover-my-bums etc...He tells me they are in Toronto. How the HELL am i suposed to go to Toronto to get friggin fitted? (remember i am embarassed, trying not to giggle, and wondering what the hell i have gotten myself into) My friend is openly laughing, and has that "this guy is an idiot" look to him...directed at me.

Ok, so umm....how do i get fitted. We take your measurements. OK, i am 10 inches around and really long :D. he says nice try but you are white, but good try. Did i mention his assistant is a girl? Good times, let me tell you. So i says, ok, want me to get nekkid so you can take them. The little indian guy's eyes bug out and he politely says that won't be necessary, just take of your sweater. (Damn, i like getting nekkid in public, then i can access the handicapped spots.)

So....he pulls out his tape measure and starts guesing my sizes, and wouldn't u know it, he's bang on on EVERYTHING. Weight too (i am realy starting to hate this guy). THen its my buddies turn. Again, hes right about everything. So now its time to pick a "style". Have u seen the catalogue for tuxes? Well, i ask him to narrow it down to, whats popular and he starts pointing out all the expensive ones. I say for these prices, i hope i get to keep them. Needless to say i ask for something a little less pricey, and settle on the "James Bond"

SO, he asks me what colour the brides maids dresses wil be, and me being the ass that i am blurt out Styrofoam (Sea foam). He does a double take and says pardon. I correct myself and say Sea Foam. WTF colour is sea foam? THe only "Sea Foam" i know of is at Hogs Back Park and that most deffinitely is NOT greenish/blue. Its more like brownish white with chunks thrown in.

"sigh" i think i have made a pact for teh devil, just waiting for someone to show up with a pen dripping blood and have me sign my name. Which reminds me, i get married Just 24th....

Closing Time...

Ahh, the sweet sweet insanity of the night shift....

This is the one point of the day where you can let your hair down and be as silly as you want.

Closing time - time for you to go back to the places you will be from.
Closing time - this room won't be open 'til your brothers or you sisterscome.
So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits - I hope you have foundafriend.
Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning'send

Very applicable imo.

Closes here are much differnt from what i am used to. Formerly my closing shifts consisted of: Balancing tills, counting cash, doing deposits, tip pool money, checking closes, verifying CC machines, troubleshooting whenever needed, doing EOD counts and a bunch of other things too tedious to mention.

Now my closes consist of: Turning off my computer, sweeping the floor for stray rugrats and saying goodbye to the guard. I like htis better :)

Closing time also allows you the opportunity to really get to know some people. The agents on nights are differfnt from the days. They are much more laid back and have a warped sense of humour. They actuaklly enjoy teh attention that we lavish on them. Actually thats not entirely true, they appreciate the time and effort that their supervisors and team leads put in versus the day staff. Call it percieved eliteism, but i am rooting for the night crew to get all on days. For the most part these folks have been on nights without a break. Got to love the underdogs :D

Well, now we have to start putting agents on notice for "below expected sales results". This is something new for me, how do you threaten an employees job (ok WARN them) while smiling at them and maintaining a positive attitude? I am a good actor, but i have a bunch of PITA's that are getting their letter today, not looking forward to it one bit, especially because i have abunch of "special" PITAs that are incredibly outspoken. I think i need to go to Lamaze class to learn that cool breathing thing, i just might be able to distract em with it, probably not since they can smell bullshit a mile away, to make this even MORE enjoyable i have to factor in my monitorings (7 left for the week) which can take FOREVER to get done.

*sigh* i need a hug.....or a cookie....ohh better yet BOTH

****NOTE: PITA stands for pain in the ass, a completely HR IN-appropriate statement that i use with allarming frequency****

Paint a picture

Had a rough start to February. Work changed drastically for me as I went from 4 weeks of closes to 4 weeks of opens with one day off in between.
I can happily say that I am entering my 2nd week of opens and I STILL haven't completely adapted. Funny when you body starts going haywire that you invert yourself and start working your brain. Not like you do enough thinking already, you need to start devoting extra time to it.... When this happens, things can start to get interesting. Ever wake up from a bad dream and wonder if that happenend? Well, if you are me, its safe to say that it did. Never to the extent of walking into an auditorium naked with a cold draft hitting you, but close enough.

There are times when I get over excited and I get carried away. Ok maybe there are more than just "times", it happens more that I would like to admit. Now think about what it would be like if you are giddy from lack of rest... :. One minute you're sitting there, the next you get the inspiration to break out into a song, or dance....Or a song AND dance (those ones always work the best). Now, picture that you are in a position of authority where you are responsible for ALL the people that are around you (excluding your colleagues). Then picture yourself having to provide leadership, feedback and coaching to these people. Needless to say I tend to over compensate in certain areas to make up for my goofiness. Don't get me wrong, I am a compassionate person when it comes to real life personal things, but when it comes to work related issues, I am a hard ass. Black and white.

I have 3 simple rules that I have imparted to all my employees throughout my management career.

1. Do your job. You know what you need to do, I know what you need to do. So do it. Don't make me MAKE you do it. (never pretty anyway)
2. Follow the rules. I clearly outline the rules and go over them with every team. Can't tell me you don't know the, follow them or get busted. Or for god's sakes, have a decent lookout. Its pretty bad when you can wear a BRIGHT yellow sweater and still sneak up on people.
3. Have fun (the most important. I guarantee that if you follow rules 1, 2. Then you will have fun. I can trust you to not make me look stupid, and you can trust me to go easy on you)

Pretty simple i think. Do you think others understand these simple rules? Of course not, that would provide me with too much joy, so i get challenged and have to act. Out of the 6 colleagues i have, i am sittin gin 3rd most hated, down from first...i seem to be slipping and need to make an example of someone i think :)

just need to overdose on coffe and candy and its GAME ON...speaking of which, sens are one tonight...

5 syllable rule

Last night, I came to a conclusion along with the help of a couple friends I know and a brief informal poll.

when men and women are talking, guys lose track of the conversation after 5 syllables and immediately switch over to thinking about sex....No seriously, think about it.

Ho-ney you want to....(Guys immediately insert sex here), so of course we say yes. We think you are wanting to get it on. What we don't hear is this part: :"go over to my parents house to help clean out the gutters." We were right there with you up until "to", then we got lost in a daydream of you and me, getting it on right there. We like those thoughts, they make us feel good, virile, wanted and needed and make us smile. Its the repercussions from having said "yes" and realizing that...nope I didn't agree with this horseshit, I agreed to sex, that's what I heard, that's what I want DAMMIT!!! Might help explain the sour expressions/hurts looks you see on us several times a day.

One way to ensure our continued attention is by opening with sex. You know something like this: "Lets have sex, THEN go to my mothers house and clean out the gutters". We heard the whole sentence that way, waiting for the catch. Because we are continually disappointed, we are waiting for you to sink the hook into us, because AH HA you opened with the sex part to get us interested, so we continue listening for something really cool like "with my old college roommate...You remember her, the one you constantly drooled over" or "next time we go shopping somewhere in the mall", instead we get "gutters" and no "slut". This way, there is no way in hell we didn't hear you, unless we are floored you even said something like that in the first place, in that case it shouldn't count but does.

And no, opening with "go fuck yourself" doesn't count, that's something we expect and listen for, because a girl swearing is funny and we like to laugh...

In case you were wondering, the poll involved about 9 guys and 1 girl and went something like this....
Poopsie, I came to a conclusion and a realization today.
"what's that?"
(insert above stated rule in here)
"Shut-up I don't believe you"
No seriously think about it
"Ok, lets ask Guy1, 2-8" so we do
Yeah that sounds about right
Wait a minute, that makes sense (which is strange in itself, I almost never make sense)
Yep, can't argue with that.
Of course, all 8 of us are pretty well standing around listening because well..Its interesting and she is dumbfounded and says....
"oh comeon guys lets".... we all just stand there nodding our heads smiling.

The natives are restless....

This is my cat Banshee. Or the Banch, little man i got a few others for him as well. With all these names, is it any wonder why he is messed up. THen again, upon further review, that could be directly attributed to me. I am not sure if to many people can sneak up a cat. I am one of the people that can. I scare teh shit out of him constantly, i think he likes it though. Really..i do.

I bought my fiance a camera for Xmas and we are going nutso with hte picture taking. I think its to make up for lost time. I have been told though that if any "personal" pictures find themselves ANYWHERE besides the camera screen, i wil become a eunuch while i am sleepin. I am a pretty heavy sleeper and generally don't wake up for anything, so i believe her, and i am scared.

This is my other cat, Serena. If you see her in person, you wil notice that she looks like one of those alien pictures. All eyes and ears. I found her one day while i was wandering through my appartment building, originaly i thought she was a bunny. No idea why, the tail should have clued me in, but anyway. I thought she was a bunny. And i was going to hug her and kiss her and love her forever, and i was going to call her...Oops caught myself befor i wandered too far there. She for some reason likes "fresh" water from the tap and will sleep in the bathroom sink until she gets some. Remember i was saying that i like to sneak up on cats. She gets it too lol. WHen she catches me on the way in, i am nice and turn it on just a little bit. She just lies there and lets it run off of her before she gets up and drinks. Other times when i do sneak up on her, i crank the faucet on, which freaks her out. She will litteraly jump out of the sink, stand there with that "freaked out cat look". You know the one..where their eyes are all big, their ears are twisted backwards and have that "WHY IS MY ASS WET" look.


ROFLStrange thing...i always hated cats..must be losing my mind. Have u seen my baseball?.



This is them playing. Personally, i think he is trying to hump her. Since he is my cat, he probably is. strange thing, they are both fixed. Silly cats...Hm, looking at the picture closer, they actually look like devil spawn. I got them once with red eyes(instead of glow in the dark ones), that was freaky , i'll try to find it.

Well, i love my "kids", they make you feel accepted even when they look at you with an air of superiority. I am the owner, i have control, Screw you, i just won't change the cat box, ooh thats right u'll poop all over the house. You win this one, I'll do it, but i won't be happy about it. You know that if you didn't feed em, they'd just start gnawing on my toes/fingers etc while i was sleeping, and if you read above, heavy sleeper, probably not a good idea. Hmm, gues that makes me a hostage. Dammit, when can i be the one making the rules.

Wow, this is all so....exciting

SO here i sit, looking at the screen and wondering what to write. I've wanted to journal or have a personal record of...something...for a while now. But fear of doing it on pen and paper and accidentally leaving it around the house prevented me. Actually scared me into not doing it.

So here it is online, in the one place she will never think to look...i am so sneaky. Nothing ever happens online u know. Everyone is so nice and trusting. Hell apparently i have about 75 million dollars in cash waiting for me in nigeria from relatives i never knew i had and business transactions i must have done wile i was drunk or stoned. Need to start saving my money so i cna afford to go there. I always wanted to take a bath in money. Just like uncle scrooge in the money bin. Sounds dirty, but dirty is good. Just wish i had a mud puddle to play in.

I guess I should say what i plan to write about, or record, or mostly just ramble. I have been "blessed" with a constantly wandering mind, looking for excitement and fun wherever i can find it. And when i can't, create it. Gets me into trouble, but i can say that it certainly makes things exciting. Just ask my targets..er...i mean friends.

ohh yeah..what this will all be about...fun, and capturing the things and thinks in life that make me laugh, smile and think. I feel i must warn anyone unfortunate enough to wander in here though, some shit might be disturbing, some othere might be bitching and moaning and crying "woe is me, woe is me", but for the most part, it will be ....me.